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03 August 2008 @ 12:46 pm
How do people reinvent themselves. I heard a true story yesterday about a friends cousin. He was in the italian mafia...did lots of bad things (too put it mildly) to himself and others. Then, he decided it wasn't who he wanted to be...he didnt like himself...the drugs he thought keened his senses he realized dulled his mind...the pain he was causing others that he did and didnt see was breaking his heart and making him hate all of life, including himself. He fell in love, got married to a good woman, left "the life" and became a contractor (no for real this time) and had a good life, with good family. He was giving a tour of the site not long again when a wall, improperly installed fell and would have killed one of the investors, when this rehabilitated man, pushed him out of the way and died instead, leaving behind good life and good family in the act of a heroic deed. Yes, this is a true story.

How did he do it. Leave "the lift" Be brave enough (1), but too, how, after rock bottom, did he pick himself up from all that pain, cynicism and anger, and put it all behind to reinvent himself. How do people transform??? I need to know this...leave behind their demons and make themselves better??? Any ideas...answers...thoughts???? How do these people go on to live as better, functioning* human beings?
*functioning to a better level - one could argue he was functioning before - but i refer to a more complete, self assured place, the the false self assurance that comes with power and pride, but that comes with being merciful and genuine.
Current Mood: coldcold
20 March 2008 @ 10:45 pm
Whispers, like a trick'ling stream murmur soft
wicked words lapping, washing o'er my ear
Hush! Quiet thy babbling spoutings off
Quiet! All is still, not a ripple. What's that i hear...

Weeping. A melody of tender requitement breezes in
so familiar at once all begins to ease
wraps my sad heart, fills what once was thin
now thickens my soul and un-buckles my knees

Blankets, arms, a sanctuary these do not make
when the source of your fear stems from their valor
i push gently through the music, leave hardly a wake
but this hum in my chest returns my pallor

Lo, your sinful, corrupt, villainous, naughty,
foul, reprehensible, heinous: I am rid of thee
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: I'm Broken
20 March 2008 @ 10:38 pm
I'm a faceless - mask.
No emotion written across - just lines etched in wood.
My eyes - two black holes - i can see the world through blankness.
Those who gaze upon me know nothing of my spirit -
If only they'd look closer - wood can tell many tales
I am lined - I am cut - I have done this to myself
So has the carver - that which cut me down and created me
The mask is removed - I vanish
Then what good is there?
Current Music: silence
His face turned up, white sunshine off his nose
Pixie dust line swirled sequence round his hair
Youthful, wistful, knows only this is how it goes
Aware of better times, but not sure when or where

In dreams he giggles, what secrets in our core
lie hid, old souls, united transcendence
the root of all love, what life's worth living for
is buried behind shut lids of young innocence

Now reaching, disappearing, fingers blur
light and skin become one, eyes open to the sun
but sees not the world only the past rooted in her
vanishing into harmony, peaceful universe become one

My angel find what pleasures lie for thee
Timeless spirit more ethereal than baby.
Current Mood: groggygroggy
Current Music: London Bridge
08 March 2008 @ 09:32 pm
(Exhales) "It feels like august." She rubs her forehead - she gets restless at night, needs to be up, but she couldn't stay downstairs. There were three doors, countless windows, and all of them open. And, it was dark. Not the dark of a house at night but the dark breathiness that comes from being outside - only those blasted, countless doors and windows flung open to the nights saturated wafts and breezes, bringing that night darkness seamlessly inward. The fragrance, the windswept chill, the glowing dimness; it was all too august for her - so she ran upstairs to the small back room and shut herself into the artificial darkness of the stuffy halogen lit space. This strange, cramped world, though maddening was less emotive than the august real, freshness downstairs. "Damn" she spat, and shut the light.
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
08 March 2008 @ 07:40 pm
Again I found the black and lethal sky
while ghostly blue moon shone on rippling wave
my body saw not sand on which to lie
but fold of sheets from which my fears I stave

And now the beat sedates and keeps me wound
though bound a mem'ry makes me bend and gasp
these mental chains that keep me lying still
hold me pris'ner a pawn in my own grasp

Hardly I fight, I let the onslaught come
barely breathing with angst impossible to cope
i scream in agony my soul left weak, undone
and rake my body quaking with lost hope

night by night i walk the sand in vain
the sun, my enemy and cure for nighttime pain
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
05 March 2008 @ 10:18 pm
Its been a long time since ive written. Ive been leaving journal entries at dailystrength.org.....mothergail
I'll try to write more here when i can. I miss you all.
Current Mood: crazycrazy
Current Music: gone to carolina in my mind
26 May 2006 @ 03:14 pm
Have you ever heard the universe calling out to you? I mean - you're all alone but you swear you hear your name being called out, or whispered in your ear on exhaling breath, but when you turn to see who spoke out for you - you realize what you already knew - that no one was there at all. And instead of being frightened you feel warm and excited. In fact, for a second you even think of answering back, but then there's no point really, so you smile instead..........or is it just me?

On a separate note....my son woke up from his nap today...crying as usual until i race into the room to snap up the shades and let the sunlight in. And as usual i turned the radio on to some upbeat - unoriginal pop tune, scooped him out of bed into my arms and we danced around the room. I think he looks forward to this as much as i do - but today he lay back in my arms while we danced, grin across his face, hand on my cheek, looking straight into my eyes while I sang - words are so inadequate - but while i know i have a habit of gushing about my son, how smart and silly and fun and beautiful he is....it is these moments i rarely talk about, because they are so ordinary and frequent they get overlooked in conversation...but i want to say, they never go overlooked by me. - together they make up the happiest moments in my life, truly. And while i dont know what my future holds, as long as I've had these moments with my son, I will be happy, and fulfilled. Being a parent, having a child...what a miracle.
Current Mood: goodgood
21 March 2006 @ 09:46 pm
So, a while back i caught about five minutes of a special dedicated to the life and story of Oprah. In it, she said she remembered even as a little girl knowing that bigger and better things were in store for her - she had big dreams for her life. I thougt about this for while. The biggest dream i ever had for myself was having children and a big loving family - a small home perhaps where we shared our days. This was the biggest and greatest dream for myself...and I wondered, what does this say about me that my dreams were never any grander than this? I wonder, is there something to be said for a small life? - or does it speak about my nature, as small and bland person - though i can still think of nothing greater for me, personally, than children and a warm home? I guess im asking, is there anything wrong with small dreams?

There is such a big world out there - I used to want to be a singer - a poet - an artist. Now, while i enjoy those activities I don't see myself as any one thing - but rather a strong desire to find that ideal spot among the trees and ocean where i can spend the days with friends and family, this has become my focus. Are my priorities too narrow? Am i compromising myself too much, or am i after exactly what i need?

O.K. - enough of this seriousness - who wants cake?
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
17 March 2006 @ 09:17 am
Just a heads up - JetBlue now travels from Boston to Buffalo. YAY.....no more long ass road trips along that damn NYthruway!
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic